Flutter POV
by LoveAsThouWilt
Summary: A rewriting of Flutter from Yamato's point of view.
1. Flutter

**__**

Warning: Yaoi. Guy x Guy. Gay Digimon characters.

****

Disclaimers: Someday....someday....

****

A/N: This is the first part of my series "Flutter" from Yama's point of view. I'm not sure if anyone cares to read the same story again, but I was interested in writing it. I focused more on story than the writing this time, but the writing turned out pretty decent. Even if it isn't as good as Flutter, I still like it. I just wanted to play on how much they might have misunderstood each other and how Yama figured Ken out.

After finding out that Yamato's band is called the "Teenage Wolves" I just had to put that into a fic. So now you know who Yama is talking about when he refers to the Wolves.

I hope this makes sense. It's really hard to write for a pre-written script.

****

Flutter POV

by loveasthouwilt

I ducked my head into my guitar strap and stepped up to the mike. It was a mock stage, furniture cleared out of one corner of the room, chairs relocated to face us, yet half of them empty. I took a moment to look over my audience.

Girls. About thirty giggling, gossiping, pre-teen girls.

I hate these gigs. I didn't take up the guitar to entertain rich grade-school brats.

Never mind why I _did_ take it up...

Still, it was my first live performance in months and I had gotten permission to invite some of my friends to listen to some new songs. I'm still close to my Chosen friends, but I spend more time with the Wolves. You have to make that kind of sacrifice if you're going to make it big someday.

I didn't see Takeru or his friends yet, and a part of me wanted to wait for them, but that's not what I was getting paid to do, so I started up "Walk on the Edge" without them.

My heart really isn't in the songs recently. It's so frustrating to put your heart into something and not be appreciated. Gigs like this are degrading. These girls don't want to hear me sing. They just want to see a pretty face, to feed an immature lust. It's disgusting.

But then... my music used to have a focus... someone who made the words real...

He didn't push me away, but he didn't pull me closer, either, just broke off the kiss slowly.

"Yama," He whispered with utmost tenderness. "I care about you... but..."

I thought I had prepared myself not to hurt, but there's just nothing that can prepare you for that type of rejection.

"Don't hate me," he begged.

"Hate you?" I started, surprised by his plea. "You should be the one hating me. I'm the one who's messed up."

We were still really close to each other, close enough that I could've kissed him again.

He smiled. "I _really_ care about you, Yama. You're my best friend. You think I haven't considered this before?"

Taichi was full of surprises...

"But just like you can't change how you are," he continued quietly, "I can't change how I am either."

I could tell how hard he was trying to let me down easily, and I suppose I could never have hoped for a better rejection.

But rejection is rejection. And it hurt.

Sometime during the song, Takeru came in with two friends. Daisuke and another whom I had never met, but could only have been Ichijouji Ken.

After battling him in the Digital World, I had taken some time to read the papers and learn more about him.

He's even cuter in person, but a little too intelligent and arrogant for me.

And yet, as I continued my show, continued to watch him, I noticed how he separated himself from the others, denied himself any fun he might be having, and just watched a muted TV all alone.

Now I'm not usually one to be pushy, but his pretty purple eyes didn't go beyond my attention, even from across the room, and no harm could come from a little innocent flirtation...

So when the band took it's first break I made a beeline toward the couch and sat next to him. "Ichijouji Ken?" I asked.

Startled by the sound of his own name, his head snapped my direction. "Yes?"

I don't know who he was expecting, but apparently not recognizing me, he shied again. "Oh, uh, hello."

"I'm Ishida Yamato," I introduced myself with a smile. "Enjoying the party?"

He shrugged. "Sure," though clearly untrue.

Noticing that he was trying to get me to leave him alone by saying very little, I turned off the television to eliminate that distraction. "I bet you would have even more fun if you were hanging out with Takeru and Daisuke instead of sitting here. I've seen them talking to a lot of cute girls."

Since he no longer had the television to focus on, he had turned his inattention to a loose string in the arm of the couch. "I'm not interested in girls."

My eyes widened. Oh?

"Young!" he hastily attempted to recover. "I'm not interested in _young_ girls." He looked at me and grinned. "That didn't come out right the first time, did it?"

Hmm...

My eyes narrowed in amused suspicion. "I don't know, did it?"

His eyes went wide and his face reddened. I imagine, as shy as he was turning out to be, that a subject like that was quite embarrassing. I wasn't meaning to toy with him, really, if it made him uncomfortable.

"Do you want me to bring you a drink?" I asked, standing up and attempting to break the tension.

"Uh, alright," he stuttered.

As I walked away, I flashed him a smile and he just turned away quickly. The chances of him actually being interested in me were unquestionably slim, but he's really cute and I just couldn't help myself.

He's no idiot. I'm sure by then he had figured out I'm ... of the other persuasion. It's not like I'm flaming or anything, but I was purposely making myself obvious. He was giving mixed signals, though.

I sighed. Maybe I was just being stupid. If nothing else, my behavior was probably terrifying him, and while that was kind of amusing, it wasn't very fair.

Ah, wishful thinking.

It's too bad, though. I really liked him.

When I got to the table with the drinks on it, Taichi approached me. I like to tell myself I'm over him, but sometimes it's hard.

"You sounded great up there," he said with a smile, "as always."

"Thanks," I replied, looking Ken's direction. He had been watching me and quickly looked away.

My brows furrowed... could it be...?

"Are you flirting with Ken?" Taichi teased.

I looked at him and grinned. "I had to try."

Taichi put a hand on the table and leaned against it. "It doesn't bother you that he used to be the Kaizer?"

I shrugged. Should it? The shy Ken I'd been talking to before wasn't the Kaizer and it was almost hard to believe he'd ever been.

I snickered as I picked up two drinks. "Actually, I find it enticing." Then I winked at Tai. "He's probably kinky."

"Ah.." he groaned. "That's an image I didn't need."

I shook my head. "It probably doesn't matter anyway. I can't tell if he's interested or not, and usually they're not."

Tai glanced sideways towards Ken so that I wouldn't have to. "He's looking over here." he said with a smile.

I grinned back at him. "He is?"

He nodded and I got all fluttery. He's interested! Yes!

I took a deep breath, composing myself. "Then I'd better not keep him waiting."

With that, I turned and started back towards the couch. Ken was sitting with his arms rested on his knees and he was staring thoughtfully at the table, biting his bottom lip.

"So, what do you do now that you don't have worlds to conquer?" I asked him to catch his attention as I held his drink out for him. I wasn't trying to be rude by bringing up his Kaizer days, I was just trying to start up some casual conversation and figured he might feel more comfortable if he knew that that aspect of his self didn't bother me.

As he took the cup, I sat next to him, closer than before, purposely invading his 'personal space' to see how he would respond. To my extreme pleasure, he didn't make any move to get away.

"Fail tests and suck at soccer mostly," was his self-disgusted response. He was staring down into his drink to keep from looking at me.

"That bad, huh?" Poor guy. He'd never been a normal kid before, so it was no wonder he was having problems socially. He seemed to get along with Daisuke well enough, but that had to be considered an exception. Taichi and I had been enemies for the longest time, but the Digital World had brought us together in much the same way as it had them....

I wonder...

"What about Daisuke...?" I asked frankly.

"He's the same. Plays soccer and video games all the time."

I laughed at his misunderstanding. "No, I mean, do you like him."

"What?!" he gasped.

Oh, don't play dumb with me. I've figured you out already.

I calmly put my empty cup on the table, barely having noticed that I drank anything. "Well it might explain something, if you like hi..." out of the corner of my eye, I noticed some girls standing within earshot and courteously changed my wording "..._her_ and _she_ doesn't return your feelings."

He just stared at me, his brows raised in horror.

I gritted my teeth. Had I made a mistake...?

He sighed and let his shoulders drop defeatedly. Then he turned to put his untouched drink next my empty cup. "I don't think that's it," he said.

My heart leapt. Finally I could be sure!

Of course...when I considered it, Ken probably _was_ attached to Daisuke, but I wanted Ken to be attached to _me_. Selfish? Maybe...but...

He's just so cute and shy and sweet.

"Maybe you're just too concerned about what people think about you." He's not used to being subjected to the same judgments as the rest of us.

He didn't answer.

"I bet that's it," I said, leaning back into the couch. "That's why you're so shy."

His brows drew together in an angry frown and I wondered if I had crossed a line.

Just then, Taichi put his hands on the back of the couch. "You two getting along?" he asked with a grin.

I blushed. Taichi! Oh, I just know he's going to embarrass me...

He came around the couch and, in attempt to sit between Ken and me, sat _on_ Ken and me. Meanie. But before I could complain, Tsugaru, drummer for the Teenage Wolves, came and told me that it was time to start up the next few songs.

The last thing I wanted to do was leave Ken alone with Taichi. There was no telling _what_ Tai would tell him.

But I was in the middle of a gig, and I couldn't just abandon it if I wanted to be paid.

"You're in a good mood," Tsugaru commented as he walked with me.

"Why do you say that?" I inquired, not bothering to suppress a grin.

He shrugged. "You're usually so cross and now you're like...giddy."

I _was_ giddy. I finally found a cute, sweet, interesting guy who likes me back. I was in a _great_ mood!

Tsugaru elbowed me, "It's that girl you were talking to right?"

Girl? Oh, Ken.

I just laughed and let my friend make his own assumptions.

A few minutes later, I had already started the second half of our concert, the songs now directed at Ken as they had once been for Taichi.

Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself... maybe I'm on the rebound or something... I'd hate to drag Ken into something like that.

But when Ken relocated himself so as to see me better... It was so exciting! I'm crazy about him.

In no time, the concert came to a close, and while the other Wolves were packing up the gear, I was searing around for something to write on. It was absolutely necessary that he have my phone number.

After taking care of that, I searched the rapidly dissipating crowd for Ken and finally found him waiting in a dark hallway for Daisuke.

Alone.

Wordlessly, I took him by the hand and pressed the paper into his palm. He stared at his hand for a moment then looked up at me, his eyes bright and violet.

Most people don't get the perfect moment for a first kiss. With far more confidence than I'd had when I'd kissed Taichi, I leaned down and pressed my lips to Ken's, exposing my intentions entirely. And he didn't jerk away, just closed his eyes savoring the intimacy as much as I.

I bet most of the time all he really needs is a hug.

Hesitantly I broke the kiss. "Call me," I whispered against his lips. And then I walked away, afraid that if I stayed any longer I'd kiss him again and not be able to stop.

I grinned. He probably thought I was just being a tease.

I'd spent years building up my love for Taichi, gave my heart and soul to him, even swore I'd never love again.

But for Ken...

I'd sure be willing to try if he'd let me.

-end-

****

End A/N: I don't know if there will be any more of this point of view or not. It all depends on if the Muse hits me.


	2. Sigh

**__**

Warning: Yaoi. Guy x Guy. Gay Digimon characters. Some bad language at the end. Just keepin' it interesting.

****

Disclaimers: I obviously do not own Digimon, but for some reason I feel obligated to write this silly disclaimer.

****

A/N: Bet you never thought you'd actually see this! Neither did I But the muse did finally hit me. I hope it's decent.

****

Flutter POV Part 2: Sigh

by loveasthouwilt

File that under "The Worst Band Rehearsal in History."

Akira was sick with a hangover and couldn't be at practice, which was actually good because he always sides against me when the band argues. We argue a lot. I guess it's like that with any group of friends. I used to fight with the DigiDestined, too.

But, we are NOT going to play Yukata's depressing songs. Yes, I do appreciate his style. What I don't appreciate is his exaggerated angst.

Arrgh...I'm just not gonna think about it anymore. I'm gonna go home and call Ken. He'll make everything better.

As I walked home, I wondered if he ever thinks about me. I feel bad that I pretty much didn't think about him at all during the three hours of rehearsal. But maybe he'd forgive me if he knew the six hours I was supposed to spend paying attention in class were instead devoted to daydreaming about the way his cheeks color when he blushes.

Sheesh, I've got it bad...

That's good, though, because it means I'm not moping over Taichi anymore.

And I sigh. I always do that when I think about Tai. The first time was in frustration--how can anyone be that gung-ho about...everything? But then, it was that same daring that drew my affection in the first place. And then I would sigh in despair that he would never return that affection. Now it's an "oh well" sigh. Accepting what could never be.

I always sigh when I think of Tai.

But I sigh for Ken, too. A whole new kind of sigh. A sigh of relief and release. To calm myself down when I've built up so much excitement that I can hardly keep myself from grinning--which would be very suspicious considering my character.

Just thinking about Ken and I feel better already.

That is, until I get back to the apartment, a.k.a. mess.

Dad had the control pointed at the T.V. and was clicking to the next channel after every three or so words. He says that used to drive Mom nuts. "How can you tell what's on when you change the channel so fast?" she would groan. But I agree with Dad. If you don't recognize the actor right away, the show is probably not worth watching.

"You're home early," I commented, using my guitar's case to move used plates out of the way so I could leave the case on the table.

"I gotta go back to work tonight," he mumbled, never taking his eyes off the randomly flickering television.

I frowned at the back of his head. "Takeru is going to think you're avoiding him on purpose..."

Dad shook his head, then drank from a can that looked suspiciously like Slim Fast. "No, he won't. Takeru isn't like that."

Deciding that I needed a soda, I headed toward the kitchen. "He'll still be disappointed," I said over my shoulder. I know Dad doesn't need the guilt--his job is what separated the family in the first place--but I know I'd be upset if I went to visit Takeru and Mom wasn't around...

I hunted around in the refrigerator for a drink (the 'fridge is always crammed full, and yet there's never anything to eat...) and, upon finding nothing that wasn't diet, turned back to the kitchen. If we ever had company other than Takeru, I might find a reason to clean house once in a while...

Although, I might invite Ken over eventually. And he's rich. He probably lives in some pristine Tamachi penthouse. He may not be stuck-up, but still. I couldn't let him see all this. Plates overflowing the sink onto the counter; mold growing in half-full glasses; fingerprint stains on the cabinets because we rarely wash our hands and then we don't use the knobs, just pull at the edge of doors that are never shut.

We're guys. We don't do clean.

Takeru teases me because I'll dig a shirt out of the laundry and still iron it before I wear it. That's just one of my pet peeves.

Dad snapped me out of any inspiration to clean house I might have had by yelling at me from the living room that I had messages waiting on the answering machine.

I gave Ken my number...maybe he called!!

"YAMATOOOOO!!!!" the girl on the machine shrieked. Definitely not Ken...though that would be cute, heh.

"This is Jun." As if I hadn't figured that out already. "I'm SO sorry I missed your concert last night." She hadn't been invited anyway. How did she even know about it? "I'll make it up to you, I promise! Call me when you get home, okay? Love Ya! Bye!"

Yeah, right. Next message...

"This is Tsugaru." Crap, this is gonna be about the band...I didn't want to think about this any more. "Yukata is threatening to quit again. You should probably talk to him." Screw that. If he's gonna throw a fit, I don't want him around anyway. "Would it be so bad just to try one song?" Yes, it would, actually. "Anyway...um...bye." I snickered at that last part. That's about as intelligent as I end messages, too.

"Hi, this is Jun again," Arrgh, not again... "I heard Akira is sick and just wanted to say get well soon." She did that a lot, calling me about the welfare of the other band members, just to have a reason to call me.

"Jun again!" Dammit. Didn't KEN call?? How do I fast-forward this thing? "Call me when you get home. I need a partner for a double date. Thanks! Bye!"

I've never returned a single call from her. What's it take to tell a girl no? Just one more good reason to stay away from them, I guess.

That was the last message, too. Nothing from Ken. I sighed the despair sigh. I didn't like it. That's not the right sigh for Ken...

"Oh, and someone else called, too," Dad said from the couch.

Someone else? Ken?!

"He asked for you, but didn't leave a message. Just thought I'd tell you."

Hiding the excitement that had been induced (Dad didn't need to know why hearing that would excite me), I grabbed the phone...and realized I didn't have Ken's number...

It can't be hard to figure out, though. He _is_ famous.

Which would mean his number is probably unlisted...

Hmmm....

While I was pondering that, the phone rang and I yanked it up before the first ring ended. "Hello. This is Yamato."

"Yamato!!!" the phone screeched. I refrained from banging my head against the wall.

"Hello, Jun," I answered, far from enthusiastic.

"Yamato, are you free tonight for a double date? We already have reserva--"

"I can't go tonight," I cut her off. And this time I didn't even have to make up an excuse. "I'm spending the evening with my brother.

She sniffed audibly. "But...we already have reservations..."

I leaned against the wall, pressing the phone between my ear and shoulder. "I'm sorry, Jun, I just have plans."

Hey, I bet Daisuke knows Ken's number.

"Could you do me a favor, though?" I asked, switching the phone to my other ear.

"Sure!"

"Could you let me talk to Daisuke for a minute?"

She whimpered just a little bit. "Okay..." Then I could hear her moving around the house. "Yamato wants to talk to you," she yelled.

An instant later, Daisuke was on the phone. "Hey, Yamato. What's up?"

"Hey, Daisuke, hold on." I switched to the cordless phone so Dad couldn't listen in on the conversation, and then went to my room and sat on the bed. "Okay. Do you know Ken's phone number?"

There was a short silence, then, "Yeah..."

"Well, can I have it?" I snorted impatiently.

Another silence. Then, "Why?"

"Well why else?" I asked sarcastically. "I want to talk to him." The less I explain to him the better. As clueless as Daisuke already is, this situation couldn't confuse him any more than usual.

At that point, the phone beeped to tell me there was someone on the other line. Daisuke went ahead and gave me Ken's number so I could hang up and take the other call.

Please-be-Ken-please-be-Ken-please-be-Ken-please....

"Oh...Hi, Mom."

"Am I still bringing Takeru over tonight?" she asked. She knows how bad both Dad and I are about forgetting various appointments. She calls to check on us constantly. It bugs the hell out of Dad, but I don't mind.

"Sure, bring him over," I said. Then, in a stroke of brilliance, "Can you stop by a friend's house and pick him up too? It's a little out of the way..." I'm sure she'd be more than happy to oblige anything I asked of her, considering I don't usually ask for anything.

"Of course. Where does he live?"

Damn. I don't know that either...

Takeru does!

"Takeru can show you. Tell him you're picking up Ken."

"Ken," she repeated, making sure she got it right. "Okay, no trouble at all. Oh, and Yamato...I'm glad you're getting to spend more time with your brother..."

"I am too, Mom," Err, I do _not_ want to talk about this right now. "I'll talk to you later, okay?"

Having been dismissed, Mom just kind of sighed. "Bye bye, Yamato."

__

Finally, I can call Ken.

Is it just me, or is it hot in here?

I carefully manipulated my way through the laundry and around the ironing board toward the window. It was cloudy and cool outside, and when I opened the window it let a nice breeze into the room. And the apartment is on a level high enough that you can't hear much of the street noise.

I leapt onto the bed where I had left the phone and, lying on my back, I dialed Ken's number.

At the first ring, a shiver ran up my spine. It's just the room getting cold; I'm not nervous.

There was a click, and, "Hello?"

A silly grin spread across my face. "Hey, baby!"

"Y-Yamato?" Ken gasped. I hope that's surprise and not horror. "How'd you get this number?" he asked.

"Daisuke gave it to me," I answered cheerfully.

"What?" Ken whimpered. He sounded panicked. "Why did you have to ask him!? What's he going to think!?"

I couldn't help but giggle. He gets so worked up. Somehow I don't think Daisuke would be wondering "Why would Yamato want to talk to Ken? They must be gay together or something." I don't think anyone would actually jump to that conclusion...

"Calm down, Ken. He's not going to assume anything right," I assured him. "Daisuke isn't clever enough to put two and two together."

"It's just... a sensitive subject." His voice was softer now. Maybe calling him was a bad idea...maybe I should have waited for him to call me...if he wanted to talk to me at all...

Stop that, Yama, you're making yourself nervous over nothing. He _did_ kiss you back, after all.

"You want me to cancel the car then?" I asked. Now was as good a time as any to let him know he was coming over, heh.

"What?"

"Mom is bringing Takeru over and I asked her to drop by your place to pick you up!" I explained.

"Yamato...!" he stuttered. "I can't go with _Takeru_ ... He's going to want to know why you're interested in me all of a sudden... Does he know about you?" There he goes again, getting all worked up. Poor kid must be in panic mode all the time. He's a kid genius (or former genius, I guess). People, especially his parents, must expect a whole lot from him. He's probably under a lot of pressure all the time.

As for Takeru knowing about me. "Nuh uh," I said. "No one else but Taichi knows." I sighed. I always sigh when I think of Tai. "That's what I get for trying to hit on him!" I laughed. I'm surprised I was able to talk about that so easily. I've been bottling up certain emotions in me for so long, it's a tremendous relief to finally be able to open up to someone who understands what I'm going through.

"How about you?" I asked.

"My mother knows. I don't know if my father knows or not. We've never talked about it."

He's one step ahead of me then. I wonder how he came out to his mother...maybe he could help me come out to Dad...

"What does she think?"

"Oh, she's thrilled."

Err...that was sarcastic...

"Mn. Too bad..."

"Yeah..."

I felt kinda bad. It hadn't occurred to me that he might not want to talk about any of this. I just knew _I_ was excited to talk about it. He hasn't sounded like he's enjoyed talking to me at all...

This silence is killing me. Think of something to say, Yama...

"Today at practice..." I started, and ended up telling him all about the fight with Yukata, and more failed attempts at trying to record an album, or at least have one of our songs played on the radio. We're hot in Odaiba, but we'll never be anything more unless we can sell something.

Ken gave me a "yeah" and an "uh huh" once in a while to let me know he was still listening. But he sounded bored, so I shut up. "Sorry. I'm talking your ear off."

"I don't mind," he responded immediately. Enthusiastically, even. I sighed with relief. Ken sure is hard to read sometimes.

"Well, I'm gonna go anyway," I told him. I needed to start cleaning house if Ken was coming over. "We can talk when you get over here, okay?"

"Okay!"

Ah, there's the faintest hint of excitement I wanted to hear!

"Bye!"

"Bye..."

I hung up the phone and held it to my chest. Maybe that wasn't boredom I heard over the phone. Maybe it just sounds like that because he's shy. But, if he's gonna sound like that all the time, it's gonna be hard to tell if it's okay to...well...kiss him...and stuff...

Am I being to forward? Should I back off a little? It's not like I have a lot of dating experience. None, actually. My fangirls would be shocked and appalled.

I spent the next two hours doing dishes, throwing laundry into Dad's room, taking out the trash, ironing a shirt for me to wear, and ordering pizza (Takeru doesn't like my cooking). All this around my Dad, who was still sitting at the T.V. At least he had finally stopped on a channel.

He left almost the same time the pizza came, and he never asked me why I was cleaning. I may get mad at him sometimes for not taking notice of the things I do, but today is an exception. I wouldn't be comfortable inviting Ken over if Dad was going to be home.

The apartment wasn't actually clean when I decided I was done, I just got tired of cleaning and quit. I wished Ken and Takeru would hurry up and get here. Otherwise I might be forced to clean something else.

When the doorbell rang, I was in the kitchen and I sprinted for the front door. I was thrilled to see Ken and Takeru with their digimon on the other side. (I didn't know they were bringing their digimon...I don't know if there's enough food for them, too.)

I didn't bother to examine what Ken was wearing. What I did notice was the way he ducked his head shyly. I told him and Takeru that their digimon could run around the house. That way Ken couldn't hide behind Minomon anymore.

"I ordered a pizza so none of you have to suffer my cooking," I said, gesturing to the box in the middle of the table.

Ken granted me a slight smile, then followed Takeru to the table.

"I heard Akira is sick again," Takeru said critically as he took a seat and opened the pizza box. "I trust you're not getting into anything like that?"

I rested both arms on the table in front of me, "You're as bad as Mom, you know that?" I accused. "I came straight home after the concert." I glanced at Ken, who was studying the table intently. I wish he'd give me something to work with. I didn't bring him over here to torture him.

Takeru helped himself to the food. "Well, Mom and I worry about you sometimes. You sing about happy stuff, but then you walk around acting moody all of the time. What you need is a girlfriend, Yamato."

I rested my chin on the back of my hand. "You're probably right." Talk about irony.

I looked over Ken again He looked so depressed. There must be something he's interested in, something he could talk about. Daisuke must be the only person Ken is completely himself around. I wonder how he does it.

Hmph. I'm jealous.

Maybe once I talked to Ken alone, I could figure out what was going on with him.

"I met a girl," Takeru started, once again taking my attention away from Ken. "Her name's Yuki. Long, dark hair with red streaks. She's as tall as 'Kari, and as smart as Miyako. I'm meeting her on Monday for dinner."

I smiled. When did Takeru get grown up and interested in girls? I guess around the same age I decided I was interested in boys.

"Actually, I did meet someone interesting," I said, a grin spreading across my face. Ken was gonna freak. "You probably know her, Takeru. She's got dark, straight hair. Kinda shy."

He looked up at the ceiling in thought and I flashed Ken a playful smile. His lips were parted, his eyes wide with worry.

I'm _not_ gonna get us caught, Ken! Sheesh...loosen up...

I know what'd relax him, heh.

Ack! Down, Yama.

When the pizza was gone, Takeru offered to do the dishes, knowing that if he didn't, no one else would. I told him I was going to go talk to Ken, since I had invited him over and not exchanged a single word with him.

I found him standing in the hallway outside Dad's room, checking out the pictures on the wall. He must be bored to death if he finds pictures of people he doesn't know interesting. When he saw me, he shied and looked away.

I'm really concerned about him. I wonder if there's something else bothering him that I don't even know about.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"No," he whined. "I'm nervous. You're just so... confident... and I'm not..."

I reached up to slide my fingers through his hair. "I _really_ enjoy your company, Ken." Even if he doesn't appear to enjoy mine... "I can't help myself."

And I couldn't help it when my fingers trailed down his face and under his chin. I couldn't help it that he just stood there and let me kiss him.

I didn't mean for that kiss to last as long as it did, though.

I guess Ken really _does_ enjoy my company.

He wrapped his arms around my neck and snaked his tongue into my mouth, which was something new for me, but I liked it just the same.

I moved my hands around to his back and kneaded my fingers against him through his shirt.

He felt so good...

We needed get out of the hall, though...

Careful not to break our kiss, I guided us into my Dad's room and shut the door behind us. A few steps later, Ken was pressed into the bed underneath me.

I couldn't believe I was actually there with him. Even though I knew there were other guys on the planet who were gay I had never really believed that I would find one who wanted to be with me, especially after being rejected by Taichi. Maybe I didn't really understand what being gay was. Maybe there was something even worse wrong with me.

But now there's Ken. And he's for me. He's mine.

The door opened... "Yamato, are you in he---Aa!"

Shit!!

Ken scrambled away from me, and I hung my head, trying to catch my breath.

Shit, shit, shit...this is bad...

I climbed off of Ken and off the bed, "Takeru, listen to me," I pleaded, but he had already sprinted off to the other room.

So I turned to Ken, who was as shocked as I was. "Ken, I am _so_ sorry..." I whimpered. I didn't mean to get us caught. I looked back at the empty door worriedly, then back at Ken. "I really should talk to Takeru..." I didn't want to leave Ken behind, but Takeru could be scarred for life, or something...

Ken nodded wordlessly and I went off to find my brother.

God, Ken. I'm sorry...I'm sorry...

I should have been more careful...

I'm _so_ sorry...

-to be continued-


	3. Focus

**__**

Warnings: Yaoi. Gay Digimon characters. Don't be offended. Hang around!

Disclaimers: Digimon doesn't belong to me. I've never claimed it did.

****

A/N: What do you know. A year later, I've finished a chapter. I'm sure the writing in this one doesn't make up for how long it took, but I hope I'll be forgiven for that. I didn't really mean for there to be so much one-sided Taito, but the more angst the better I always say.   
  
be sure to visit me at my pretty new website

****

Flutter POV Part 3: Focus

by loveasthouwilt

Takeru had fled the room in a panic and I found him with his hands on the kitchen counter, breathing heavily over the kitchen sink.

Was he gonna throw up? Was I really that repulsive?

I didn't know what I could say to fix things...all I could think of is being very, very sorry.

"I didn't mean for you to find out like that," I told him, putting a shaking hand on his shoulder. "I just...didn't know how to tell you."

He rubbed his eyes with both his hands in attempt to clear away the shock. "No...um...it's okay," he said. Then he took a deep breath and faced me with a smile. "Really. It's okay. Unexpected, but okay."

"Okay...?" I repeated, not really sure if I should be convinced to be hopeful.

His expression changed a little and he looked concerned about something. "Are _you_ okay?" he asked.

That triggered me to catch my breath and blink my eyes. I must have been as shocked as he was. "You can't tell anyone," I finally managed, tightening my grip on his shoulder. "Ken's not ready for anyone to know."

He's so shy and unsure of himself...and he's probably worked so hard to be their friend...and I screwed all that up...

"I won't tell if you don't want me to," he promised.

I nodded. I can trust Takeru to keep his word. I had been prepared to come out to everyone every since I decided to flirt with Ken in the first place. But I don't want to force that decision onto Ken. It wouldn't be right.

When Ken came into the room, our secret was apparently his first concern, too. "You aren't going to tell anyone, are you?" he asked Takeru.

And of course, Takeru shook his head, "It's none of their business." Then he smiled and added, "It's none of _my_ business."

Okay. We're cool, then.

If everything was cool, I wanted to get back to what Ken and I were doing before. "Do you mind if we...?" I asked of my brother as I pointed back to Dad's room with my thumb.

I got startled reactions from both of them. Was it really such an odd suggestion?

"Um...I guess so," Takeru stuttered, rubbing the back of his neck, "but..."

Knowing what he was thinking, I snickered and grabbed Ken by the hand. "Don't worry, Takeru, we'll be considerate of you."

And I left him, blinking curiously while I dragged Ken away.

"I don't think I can do this with Takeru in there," Ken said shyly as I shut the door behind us, the darkness of the sunset surrounding us. I couldn't see him very well, but I didn't need to.

"Then we don't have to do anything," I assured him, taking him into my arms.

I could just hold him. I could be happy with that.

I closed my eyes and pressed my forehead to his while his arms wrapped my shoulders.

We don't have to do anything. Just stand here with each other in the darkness and be completely comforted. We don't have to be lonely anymore, secluded by secrets. Don't have to feel bad about losing Tai anymore.

I took a deep breath, feeling guilty. At a time like this, my thoughts still wander to Taichi...I've gotta let him go.

I must've been feeling _really_ guilty, 'cause my hands slid from Ken's lower to upper back, pulling him closer to me so that we could kiss. I like _him_, not Tai. And I want him to know it. I don't want him to doubt us, no matter what happens. I want...

I want Ken...

Kissing in earnest, now, I pressed him back into the bed and clumsily proceeded to unbutton his shirt. A part of me knew that there was only so far Ken would go, but there would be no harm in finding out just how far that was. My lips moved to his neck; I wanted to taste his skin and explore the tight muscles underneath with my tongue.

I gasped as cold hands slid into my shirt and around to my back, where delicate fingertips barely brushed across my skin, causing gooseflesh to rise on my arms. Oh, it felt good.

I squeezed Ken and shivered. "Mmmnn...that tickles." I purred.

With a grin, he returned his hands to the small of my back and fluttered his fingers there.

"Nnnnn...Ke...n..." I arched my back, only halfheartedly wanting to escape his touch, which was making me press myself even harder against him.

Not fair...Not fair...making me want him like that...making me writhe and moan with barely a touch...making me want him...

And then Takeru knocked on the door, telling us it was time for them to leave. Just as I was getting really comfortable.

I was on top of him, and I didn't want to let him go, so I stayed put, looking down into his eyes, then studying the rest of his face, pale silverwhite in the darkness. He looked sad, probably because he had to go. But even looking sad, he was pretty (yes, I said pretty).

With a sigh, I pushed away from him, letting him button his shirt. I wonder what strings I'd have to pull in order to get us together tomorrow. Having this one night cut short isn't the end of the world or anything.

"My mother was furious about me coming over here..." Ken said all of a sudden, "so I don't know when I'll get to see, or even talk, to you again..."

Awe, that sucks.

"Don't worry about it," I said while opening the door and letting some light into the room. "We'll work something out." I hope I can work something out. If Ken's mom has problems, I've gotta continue to encourage Ken to fight for us. I like him; I want to keep him.

But, for tonight, he had to go. So I followed him out of the room, he and my brother gathered up their digimon (I had hardly even noticed they were there), and we said our goodbyes. I wanted to kiss him goodbye, but I had to show a little respect for both of them. Ken doubtlessly didn't want to show that much affection in front of Takeru, and Takeru probably didn't want to see it either.

And then, he was gone.

I leaned against the door, closing my eyes and pressing my hands and cheek to the cold wood.

Sigh...

Ken...

I need to relax...take a bath or something...to ease all this tension from wanting and wanting. Ken sure would be ticked off if he knew that's what I was thinking. I'm a guy; I can't help it. But Ken isn't a girl, so maybe he's thinking the same thing...

I wouldn't take that chance, though. I care about him, and even though I'd _like_ to...do stuff...I can wait. Ken is worth it.

I turned around to face the room.

So...now what?

By the time Ken got home, it would be too late to call him. It wasn't too late right then, though. Maybe Taichi...though I don't think he'd really be interested in me talking about my boyfriend. And it was still too early to call Mimi. I talk to her all the time, but I had never told her I'm gay. I'd never been confident about it until now. Yeah, I'd wait a few hours and call Mimi.

So I ended up taking a bath to kill at least an hour (and although I'm sure you'd love to hear the details of that, I'd really rather not share).

(I'm such a tease.)

I was walking around my house wearing nothing but my black boxers when Dad walked in and asked me how my visit with Takeru had been. I told him it went great. Then he wanted to complain about his job. Most of the time I don't know what he's talking about, but if he needs someone to talk to, I'm willing to listen.

After he went to bed, I sprawled out on my bed with the cordless phone and called Mimi. Hopefully, I would catch her getting ready for school.

"Hello" Mimi answered in her singsong voice and in English.

"Hey, Mimi. Good Morning," I said with a smile.

"Yamato! Good Morning," she responded, reverting to Japanese. "How are you?"

"I'm great! How about you?" I wanted to broach the topic of my date, but I didn't want to just come right out and say it.

"I'm just fine. Eating breakfast. Getting ready for school."

"How did Ben's basketball game go?" I asked. Ben was her boyfriend.

"What?"

"Last time I talked to you, you were talking about one of his games that you were going to. Sounded important. I just wondered how it went."

"Oh, last week's game," she giggled. "We won, of course. Ben got a nice trophy—a black eye."

"I'm sure it doesn't mar his ravishing good looks," I teased.

"Not in the slightest."

"Well, I'm dating now, too," I told her, with the grin that was becoming oddly characteristic of me, "so I guess I'll be going to sports things."

"Are you really?" she squeaked. "Yamato, that's great! Who is she?"

I bit my lip. Here goes nothing. "Actually...he's a he."

She was quiet for a moment, but then she giggled. "That is too sweet!"

I nodded, immediately feeling relieved and comfortable. "I know."

"You know, I'm not especially surprised. I've read enough shounen-ai manga to see you were kinda sweet on Taichi."

I cringed a little. She could tell that?

Eh, whatever. It's not like my sexual preference isn't going to be known by everyone soon enough.

"Well, I'm not dating Taichi," I said, wanting to clear that up right away. "I'm dating Ken."

This time, the silence was a bit more profound. "The Digimon Kaizer?"

"That's him."

More silence. Then, "Did you ever say anything to Taichi, because I wouldn't doubt that he would be interested..."

Fuck, do I have to relive this again?

"He wasn't interested, Mimi," I said, a little more angry than I intended. Then I sighed. "He turned me down. Said he couldn't."

"I'm...sorry to hear that..."

"Yeah..."

"Um...So, what's the story with Ken?"

Okay, this conversation I could go with. "I met him at my concert last night. I thought he was cute, so I started talking to him. He's shy, so it was kinda hard to decide if he was interested or not, but when I walked away, he kept watching me. I pretty much figured him out from there. I was with him tonight."

"Tonight?" she repeated curiously.

"Yeah. I had Takeru pick him up on his way over here," I stopped when I heard some clattering from Mimi's end. "Are you busy?"

"No, no," she answered. "I'm putting my makeup on. Go ahead."

I nodded. "Well, I meant to just talk to Ken and get to know him, but we ended up making out in my Dad's room. Takeru caught us."

"Uh oh."

I snickered. "Yeah. But it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be."

"That's good. What did he do?"

I shrugged. "He was cool. Surprised, but cool."

She laughed. "Maybe he was jealous."

"Yeah, right. If anyone's going to be jealous, it's Jun...or Daisuke."

"Or Taichi."

Anything clever I might have said was lost as I gaped.

Would he...? Could he...?

"Yamato? Are you okay?"

I blinked. "Yeah...sorry. I...wasn't expecting that."

"Wasn't expecting what?"

"What you said about Tai." I wasn't _trying_ to make Tai jealous. Was it going to look like that? _Was_ I trying to make Tai jealous and not even realizing it? "You don't think I'm trying to make him jealous, do you?"

"I don't know. Are you?"

"No!"

"Then I believe you."

I scoffed. That wasn't any help. What if I was just interested in Ken because he would give me what Tai wouldn't? Was I moving on with my life and getting over Tai, or was I pouting and settling for Ken because he was convenient?

"Well, do you love Taichi?"

"Yes." Shit, I didn't even think before I said that. God, Ken, I'm sorry. I can't help it.

"Do you love Ken?"

I opened my mouth to respond as surely as the last question, and found that I couldn't. "I...like him..." I stuttered.

"Stay with Ken, Yama," Mimi advised, and I could actually hear the smile in her voice. "I think you have a good thing with him. And I think you care for him more than you think."

I was about to question her about that, when she interrupted the thought. "I need to go. School."

Dammit, I wasn't finished talking to her. "But...what about me and Tai?"

"There's no 'you and Tai'. Stay with Ken. I've gotta go. Take care, Yamato."

I sighed. "Sure, Mimi. You too."

"Goodnight!"

"Goodnight."

Hmm.

There's no 'me and Tai'.

Stay with Ken.

But what if I end up hurting him? I'd never be able to forgive myself. I care about him too much to hurt him.

I don't want to want Taichi anymore. If Ken wants me, then I only want to want Ken.

How much would it hurt to lose Ken?

A lot. It would be like losing Taichi all over again...

Like...losing the one I loved all over again...

Maybe...maybe I _do_ love Ken.

Sigh…

"Yamato! School!"

I woke to my dad's voice and banging on my door because I'd fallen asleep before setting my alarm. I was lying on top of my blanket instead of under it and next to me was the phone I hadn't hung up. My mouth tasted vile and my backed ached. It was a terrific way to start out the day…

Phone in hand, I stood up and raised my arms over my head, stretching the kinks out of my back and legs.

"Yamato!"

"I'm up! I'm up," I groaned. Someday I'll wake up next to Ken and the morning will start out with much more excitement.

I grinned. Mmmm, Ken.

School was uneventful. Almost no one from junior high had been at the party to notice that I'd been flirting with Ken, so for a while there'd be no rumors. If anything was going to start rumors, it would be that solemn Ishida Yamato was actually smiling for a change. Taichi noticed for sure.

"Yamato!" Taichi accused when we met for lunch, "You aren't corrupting poor, innocent Ken, are you?"

I scoffed. "Hardly." He's the former Kaizer, after all.

Besides, he has his tongue in my mouth more than I have mine in his. I wonder if he dominates in bed like that. That'd be fun.

We sat at a table with our trays. "Have you even seen each other since the party?" He asked.

I nodded. "Yeah, he came over last night with Takeru."

Taichi blinked curiously. "...and?"

"And what?" I teased.

"Argh, you know damn well what."

"God, Tai," I laughed. "You're such a _guy_, wanting me to kiss and tell. If you're so interested, get a boyfriend."

He wrinkled his nose. "Very funny..."

I pierced some chicken with my fork. "Well, when all was said and done, Takeru knew everything. I don't think we're gonna be able to keep this a secret for very long."

Taichi tilted his head to the side. "Why keep it a secret?" he asked, his mouth full of food.

"I don't mind people figuring it out," I assured him, "but Ken may not be ready to face his friends with it. I don't want to force it on him."

Taichi nodded thoughtfully, a rare look for him.

He's hot when he gets that serious look. He's hot all the time. We'd have been hot together. But Ken's damn sexy, too, and with him I have a chance, so...

"You're lucky," Taichi said all of a sudden. "Sora and I aren't working out at all."

Oh...darn...what a shame... "What's wrong?"

He ran a hand through his hair and frowned. "She's always trying to get me to be considerate and stuff. To mind my manners and be courteous. I wish she'd get off my back."

I shook my head. "I told you she was going to be bad news."

"Yeah, but...I don't know...Her crest is Love, after all. I thought things would be different."

You didn't take my advice 'cause you thought I was driven by jealousy. I know.

Ah, dammit. I really do hold a grudge. Maybe I should break it off with Ken until I can get my shit together... I can't date Ken just because I feel rotten about losing Taichi.

Tai shook the worry out of his head and replaced his smile. "Sorry to bring down the mood like that. Sora's my problem, not yours."

"Why don't you just tell her?" I asked. "If you're unhappy and having problems, you should tell her. Things could still work out."

"I don't want to hurt her feelings. And I don't know if I'm really interested in having things work out, anyway."

"Well, don't just break up with her without talking to her. That'll hurt her worse than anyth---"

I stopped to ponder my own words. Wasn't I just thinking about doing just that to Ken a minute ago?

Hmph. Well...with me and Ken, it's different...

"Hey. You okay?" Tai asked.

I lifted my head and my eyes met Taichi's. It only took an instant for the want to seize my heart again, the want to leap over the table and kiss him. An instant and my mind was made up.

I was breaking up with Ken. He deserved better. He deserved someone who could offer his whole heart.

I picked up my tray. "Yeah, I'm fine." Whether Tai believed me or not, I was already walking away.

I hurt all over, and there was already a hole in my heart that Ken used to fill. Why couldn't I just be happy that Tai and I were still friends? Why couldn't I appreciate that for the miracle it was?

And...if suddenly Tai _did_ like me back...I wouldn't be able to appreciate that either, because I like Ken, too...

I went back to class mad at myself. This is my own stupid fault. I should have gotten over Tai first. I thought I had.

"Ishida!"

The teacher's voice startled me into attentiveness. Everyone was looking at me. "Sorry, Sensei," I stuttered, embarrassed. He went on with his geography lesson, and I pretended to pay attention.

This is so stupid. What am I thinking?

I adore Tai. He's my best friend in the world. I don't have to give him up in order to be with Ken. I can still like Taichi, I just have to fall out of love with him. And in love with Ken.

It shouldn't be too hard, really, as much as I like Ken. It just needs time. I have to let it happen. Or make it happen.

I don't want to want Tai anymore.

I only want to want Ken, and offering what's left of my love is better than offering him none.

This day was the beginning of my week on cleanup duty, so I was forced to stay at school late. The Wolves never meet on a Monday, so I didn't have that on my mind. As things were, though, I wasn't able to get away from the school until early in the evening.

I couldn't stop thinking about Ken, and I didn't really try. I could still feel him underneath me, assuring me that I was no longer alone. The memory was fragile, so fragile, and I had almost convinced myself to give him up.

But I couldn't give him up. My doubts hadn't made me want him less. They'd made me want him more.

I kept trying to devise ways for Ken and I to get together, since he had suggested that his mother was going to be a difficulty. I decided that it could turn out to be a good thing that Takeru knew about us. I had no doubts that Takeru would be helpful if we needed him to help us with an excuse to get Ken away from home.

Takeru was just the person I needed to talk to, so I was startled by the convenience of him waiting for me outside the school as I finished my shift.

I would find out pretty quick that he wasn't carrying news I wanted to hear.

He was leaning against school gate, but then stood straight as he saw me approach. His hands were stuffed in his pockets and he wasn't wearing his hat. His whole demeanor was somber in the orange light of sunset. I could tell right away that what he needed to say wasn't good.

"What's up?" I asked.

He sighed and looked straight at me. He looked really worried.

"Takeru? What?"

"Ken said…that he doesn't want to see you anymore…"

I gritted my teeth and my chest tightened with doubt and hurt.

__

Why?

"…I don't…I don't think that he means it, though." Takeru continued. "I think he wants to…it was the way he said it…like he wants to, but shouldn't."

No, Ken. Please, no, don't do this. Don't leave me.

Takeru took his hands out of his pockets. "He doesn't mean it, Yamato. I know he doesn't, and you can't let him convince you that he does. You two care about each other way too much."

I dropped my gaze and looked down at the ground so that I could think. How could this have happened. What had changed?

Something must have happened when he got home.

Ken's mother…

This was all _her_ fault!

I didn't even notice when hurt changed to anger, and doubt to determination. I had to stop him. I had to do _something_. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes.

I can't lose him. I can't!

"Yamato?"

I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples, catching my breath. "I'm okay," I assured him. Then I faced him, letting him see the determination in my eyes. "I'm not going to let him go like this. Not like this."

Apparently convinced and satisfied, Takeru let me head home. The initial hurt that I had felt was totally gone.

I was furious.

Furious at Ken's mother for being so intolerant, so ignorant. Furious at Ken for letting her get away with it. Furious at myself for getting us into this mess in the first place.

Furious. _Furious_.

I wouldn't _be_ so angry if I didn't care so much.

Why couldn't something turn out right for once?

I choked back tears.

Just once...

Needing to let go of some of the frustration, I began to run. My breath pounded in my ears and my chest and legs ached. People yelled at me as I rushed passed them, but I ignored them.

Don't leave me, Ken. Please, don't leave me.

Don't let her take you away from me.

I raced into the apartment building and pushed myself into a crowded elevator. They didn't complain. My face was red with tears and frustration and windburn.

In the silence of the elevator, fury began to fade and hurt returned. I squeezed my eyes shut.

I can't lose him.

When we arrived on my floor, everyone moved out of my way so that I could get out. I walked stiff-backed with my fists at my sides, trying to maintain my composure, and hoping that Dad wouldn't be home.

When I reached my door, I checked the knob. It was locked. Dad wasn't home.

I unlocked the door and went inside. It felt hollow and lonely. I wanted so badly not to be alone.

My hands were wet with tears and sweat. After closing the door behind me, I wiped them on the front of my shirt.

To my right was the phone. I stared at it through the thickening darkness for a moment before picking it up and dialing Ken's number. The loud beeping of the numbers only irritated my dark mood.

The phone rang only twice before someone picked it up.

"Hello?"

It was him.

Tears streamed down my face as I hesitated. "Ken?" I ventured quietly.

At first, there was nothing. I could only hear him breathe.

Then, "I'm not supposed to talk to you," he said coldly.

Says who? I wanted to shout. But I already knew the answer.

"Is your mom there?" I asked. Is that why his voice is so heartless?

Again, silence, but only for a moment. His voice faltered "….yes."

"I can _tell_ you're lying, Ken...!" I cried. I sank to my knees and cried, holding the phone to my ear with both of my hands, my hair dripping.

Why? Why is he doing this? Why does it have to be like this?

How can he just stand there and listen to me and say nothing?

I took a deep breath and spoke quietly into the phone, somehow feeling his presence right there in the room with me, very comforting despite the distance. "Takeru told me…" I only got that far before I had to catch my breath again, as the memory of hurt came rushing back.

You see, Ken? Only love can hurt this much.

"I'm.... not supposed to talk to you..." he repeated, only this time his voice was broken by recognizable emotion.

I was losing him.

Fear became desperation.

"Ken, don't let that bitch break us up!" I screamed. "I love you!"

The stark silence that followed was decidedly different from the silence between us before.

"Ken?" I said, refusing to believe. "Ken?"

He had hung the phone.

He was gone.

I gritted my teeth.

No.

I redialed, though I knew he wouldn't answer.

I sat, kneeling in the darkness, listening to the ring for what seemed like ages. I knew he was listening to it, letting it ring, hearing me begging. Begging.

I didn't blame Ken. He never wanted any of this to happen. It isn't his fault.

I listened to the persistent ringing, knowing that he wasn't doing anything to make the ringing on his end stop, hoping that I was getting my message across--a reminder that I cared and that I was trying.

I love you. I'm not going to leave you.

I love you.

Abruptly, I hung up the phone, feeling the distance from him immediately.

I love you, and I want to be _with_ you. And I won't let you let her interfere with that.

I'm not going to leave you.

I'm coming…

It was expensive and actually kind of dangerous for me to head towards Ken's part of town so late in the evening…

But I have to see him. I have to try.

I have to tell him I love him.

I had hoped that Ken would answer his door so that I could drag him away and kiss some sense into him, but instead his mother answered the door.

She didn't know who I was at first, but she was clearly suspicious. She kept one hand on the doorknob. "Can I help you?" she asked in a less than friendly tone.

"I'm here to see Ken," I said loudly and frankly.

Her eyes widened in disbelief. "_You_!!" she snapped. She pointed into the hallway. "Get out of here, right now!!"

I refused to budge, torn between standing determined or backing off to come up with another plan. As I stood there, I heard shuffling in the apartment and then Ken appeared behind her.

His face and eyes were red. He looked shocked and tired. But that's all that I could read.

"Ken! I have to talk to you," I begged. But it was too late. The door between us slammed shut and I heard the click of the lock. I took a few steps back and let my back thump against the wall just across from the door, wondering what else I could possibly do.

My heart pounded in my throat, exhausted by all the ups and downs it had been through today.

I closed my eyes and leaned my head on the wall. "I'm trying," I whispered, as if he were there to hear.

I took the elevator back down to the street.

The sun was fully set, though the streetlights lit the city from the pavement to the roofs with a yellow-blue glow. Traffic was still fierce and hundreds of people were still on the streets. And it was cold. All the world was crowded, but I was alone.

I wouldn't have felt so bad if I had only known whether or not he'd heard me tell him I love him over the phone before he hung up. I wanted him to _know_.

I wanted him to know…

"Yama!"

I spun around and looked up.

Ken was leaning out of his window, his black hair fluttering in the cold breeze. He was smiling softly.

"I love you," he yelled.

I was so overcome with relief my knees almost gave. My heart pounded.

He knew.

Whether he had head me over the phone or not didn't matter. I could tell he knew.

He loves me. He wants me. It's hard, but he's holding on.

And he's holding me. I'm safe. I'm not alone.

…and I don't want Tai anymore…

A grin spread across my face.

"We can make it through this!" I yelled up to Ken with all my heart. He leaned on the windowsill and smiled down at me.

Ken…

With all my heart.

We can make this work.

Together.

-to be continued-


End file.
